![]() To ensure I’m doing enough listening, I now enter all crucial conversations by asking questions. The more information (and understanding) we can share, the higher our chances of making the right decisions, and the right compromises, to get everyone most of what they want and need. ( Crucial Conversations authors call it “the shared pool of information”). The Shared Pool Of Meaningīecause, in crucial conversations, you need everyone’s ideas, theories, feelings, thoughts, and opinions to build what I call “the shared pool of meaning”. This was the exact opposite of the advice in the book, which taught how to lead with curiosity, be open to real conversation, and seek a free-flow of information and meaning.Īs I began to put into practice these techniques, I learned to stop obsessing over “what to say” and, instead, spend my energy preparing my mind and my heart to listen. ![]() In doing this, I was trying to force things to go my way. ![]() Enter Crucial ConversationsĪs I progressed through the book I realized that I was spending far too much time blaming others, and far too little time searching for the role I might be playing in our difficulties.įor example, previously, leading up to difficult conversations, I’d obsess over what the other person was doing, what they were like, what they might say in response to my words, and how I would “counter” their arguments. She went on to recommend Crucial Conversations, which completely changed my outlook. But now, in addition to having obvious resentment for her, ‘nicer JB’ is just acting inauthentic and contrived.” Everyone knows you don’t like each other. But, I have to be honest, it feels phoney. “I can tell you’ve been working hard to try to get along with Linda. The “niceness” was a mask that felt disingenuous and manipulative.Īfter a few months of this, another coworker called me aside and leveled with me. Realizing that acting this way wasn’t working for me, I tried to act “nicer.” But since I hadn’t done any internal work yet I was just delivering the same kind of message as before. As I was still in my “telling it like it is” phase, I ended up receiving multiple visits from our human resources director. One of my coworkers and I never really saw eye-to-eye, yet we had to collaborate daily. I remember working in a research lab during graduate school. Turns out I was really just selfish, abrasive, and unkind. I said what was on my mind and thought that made me an authentic, no-BS person of high integrity. In fact, I’ve devoted a decade to it because I was bad.Įarly in my life I fancied myself a “tell it like it is” kinda guy. When “Telling It Like It Is” Equals Abrasive and Unkind You’ll become the most valuable communicator in the room, in any room. Instead of avoiding key issues or bringing them up in a way that creates defensiveness (and, therefore, no real resolution), you’ll be able to masterfully navigate situations that others can’t see their way out of. Whether they’ve taken the initiative and kicked off crucial conversations themselves, or simply have been in the middle of one, many of their crucial conversations have ended in silence (deny, repress, ignore, pretend), collapse (shame, embarrassment, withdrawal) or hostility (combativeness, aggression, threat).Ĭombine these experiences with no obvious path to skill development and it’s no wonder some people avoid crucial conversations at all costs.Īt the same time, being able to skillfully navigate crucial conversations will take your coaching game, your professional collaboration, and your personal relationships to the next level. Many respond this way because of past experiences with these kinds of dialogues. If your heart beats faster just reading the list, that’s normal. Asking clients to keep certain commitments.Giving your boss feedback about their actions or behavior.Talking to a client about their alcohol or drug abuse.Asking a friend to repay a long overdue loan. ![]() ++ Difficult Conversations Are Important To HaveĪs I’ve written about previously, I’m a big believer in the feedback loop, both as a way to grow personally and professionally and as a way to communicate your maturity and professionalism to others.Īnother type of communication that’s essential to building a strong reputation is what authors Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler call “crucial conversations” in their book by the same name.Ī crucial conversation is a discussion between two or more people where stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions run strong. Instead of avoiding issues, or bringing them up in ways that create defensiveness, you’ll be able to masterfully navigate situations others can’t see their way out of. Reputation Developmentīeing able to skillfully navigate difficult conversations will take your coaching, professional collaboration, and personal relationships to the next level.
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